Run More, Worry Less

I cannot remember if I have shared on here, ever, that I have anxiety.  So much.   It went undiagnosed for many years.  I always knew something was off, but couldn't explain it.  Then I remember having a conversation with my primary care a few years back.  Okay, like, 15 years ago.  About these feelings I was experiencing and she suggested that perhaps I had anxiety.

sometimes looking at the world through rose colored glasses helps lighten the anxious feelings

I went through a few years of counseling and took medication for a few years.  I loved the counseling.  Hated the medication.  Having my own person to listen to me and let me reflect was one of the most positive experiences.  Honestly, I'm not really sure why I stopped.  I mean, I'm not "cured".  I don't know if I stopped going or if I was discharged.     The medication though.  Ugh.  I remember taking Paxil.  While I feel it helped me cope, I did not like the way it made me feel.  I didn't like the decreased sex drive.

I wish I could relax like this dog.  

This was all before I started running.  A LONG time ago!  In the early years of marriage.  When I started running, I only did it because I knew it was going to burn calories faster and I would lose that baby weight I put on while I was pregnant with Tucker.   The plus was that running also helped easy my anxiety.  Anxiety did not disappear.  It just helped ease it.  From time to time, anxiety does creep up and takes over.  I'm not always able to tell that it's anxiety.  I'll know that things are off.  It usually takes a few days for me of trying to figure out what in the world is driving me so nuts and why I'm acting the way I am before I realize it.   

This Momentum Bracelet speaks to me on so many levels.  

But what I've realized is that I tend to build walls with relationships.  I don't love who I am when I am anxious.  And I'm super embarrassed in regards to how I act sometimes due to the anxiety.   I know it's bad, but I have found that it's definitely easier for me to put up those walls.  I'm torn about this.  Am I protecting myself or the poor potential friend from hurt?  It just works for me.  That's what I do.  I battle with myself on a regular basis.  Should I allow myself to open up to friends more?  Do I really want super close friends, again?  I don't know.  I miss the close relationships.  But I don't miss the hurt.  I just don't know.  

What I do know is I am married to one of the least anxious people in the world.  Somehow he gets me.  But he doesn't always *get* anxiety.  But that's okay.   He has helped me push through many challenges in my life that I would never have attempted due to my anxious tendencies.  Am I thankful for that?  Absolutely.   I don't want to not live avoiding experiences due to my anxiety.  Which I would if it weren't for Ward.

Running definitely helps me my issues with anxiety.   Somedays I just don't know what to do with myself, I feel out of sorts with no idea which way is what.  Then I run.  Then life seems much more manageable.